THE ATLANTA HAWKEYESEST. 2026 • CLOSE ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK
Atlanta Maryland Hawkeyes — Smith 1, Schmitt 0.

THE ATLANTA HAWKEYES

Because geography is hard for some senators.
College Park's favorite Atlanta Iowa's basketball team.

Hawks. Hawkeyes. Close enough. The most confused franchise in sports history — born September 29, 2026, when a U.S. Senator mixed up an Atlanta Hawks game with an Iowa Hawkeyes game. Wrong birds. Wrong city. We decided to just run with it.

SHOP THE DROP

UPCOMING "GAMES"

Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsAtlanta Hawks (awkward)
WRONG BIRDS INVITATIONALWRONG BIRDS—INVITATIONAL
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsIowa Hawkeyes (even more awkward)
CAITLIN CLARK CUPCAITLIN CLARK—CUP
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Tune Squad
WELCOME TO THE JAM INVITATIONALTUNE SQUAD INVITATIONAL —WELCOME TO THE JAM
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Average Joes
DODGE, DUCK, DIP, DIVE CLASSICAVERAGE JOES CLASSIC —DODGE, DUCK, DIP, DIVE
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Flint Tropics
EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY TOURNAMENTFLINT TROPICS TOURNAMENT —EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsThe Sandlot Squad
YOU'RE KILLING ME, SMALLS SHOWDOWNSANDLOT SHOWDOWN —YOU'RE KILLING ME, SMALLS
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsDistrict 5 Mighty Ducks
QUACK QUACK QUACK CUPMIGHTY DUCKS CUP —QUACK QUACK QUACK
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsAFC Richmond
BELIEVE FRIENDLYAFC RICHMOND FRIENDLY —BELIEVE
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsRockford Peaches
THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASKETBALL EXHIBITIONROCKFORD PEACHES EXHIBITION —THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASKETBALL
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsBayside Tigers
I'M SO EXCITED HOMECOMINGBAYSIDE TIGERS HOMECOMING —I'M SO EXCITED
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsJamaican Bobsled Team
FEEL THE RHYTHM! FEEL THE RHYME! SHOWCASECOOL RUNNINGS SHOWCASE —FEEL THE RHYTHM! FEEL THE RHYME!
Atlanta Maryland HawkeyesvsSouth Park Cows
RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH STAMPEDESOUTH PARK STAMPEDE —RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH

THE FIRST DROP

Pick a category above to start shopping. We promise the geography gets better from here.

HOW A FRANCHISE IS BORN

On September 29, 2026, during a Senate hearing, Senator Eric Schmitt tried to corner former special counsel Jack Smith over supposedly attending an Atlanta Hawks game in Atlanta. There was just one problem: Smith had actually attended the Iowa Hawkeyes women's basketball game — in College Park, Maryland. Wrong birds. Wrong city.

Enter Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), who used her questioning time to do what the world's most expensive fact-checking department couldn't: she made them put the poster back up, confirmed Iowa beat Maryland 93-85 in College Park on February 3, 2024 — Caitlin Clark dropped 38 — and told Schmitt he owed Smith an apology. He refused. The moment went viral anyway.

AP, The Washington Post, and Forbes all covered the Hawks/Hawkeyes mix-up. And somewhere in the confusion, a franchise was born: a team from Atlanta that plays in College Park, roots for the Hawks, flies with the Hawkeyes, and has been undefeated since yesterday.

Atlanta • Iowa • Maryland • It's complicated.

STRAIGHT OFF THE TIKTOK

FROM THE MEME DESK

Senator Katie Britt's shocked reaction

THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE

THE ATLANTA MARYLAND HAWKEYES

AREN'T A REAL TEAM

Where do YOU think College Park is?

ATLANTA Georgia? Hold on, let me go to Kinko's to print out a huge sign so everyone knows my answer.
IOWA Wait, what? Pick this one — it's fine, just blame your 26-year-old staffer. That's what they're for.
MARYLAND Sure, why not. Pick the wrong one and congrats, that's perjury. Choose wisely.

More where that came from → TikTok

🗑️ HALL OF SHAME

The distinguished individuals and institutions whose failures made this franchise possible.

🏅 Senator Eric Schmitt (R-MO)
INDUCTED 2026 — FOUNDING FATHER OF FAILURE
Confused the Atlanta Hawks with the Iowa Hawkeyes during a Senate hearing on September 29, 2026. Gave us our entire business model in one sentence. We send him one of our HANG IT UP ornaments every year. He probably thinks we're a real team.
🗺️ The U.S. Senate Committee on Geography
INDUCTED 2026 — LOST WITHOUT A MAP
Not a real committee. But after that hearing, it should be. We'd like to testify. We know where Atlanta is. (It's in Georgia. We checked.)
📉 The Dismantling of the Education System
INDUCTED 2026 — LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN IGNORANCE
Inducted for making the geography confusion not just possible, but inevitable. When you gut public education, don't be surprised when a U.S. Senator can't tell Atlanta from Iowa City. This one's on all of you.
🤢 Senator John Kennedy (R-LA)
INDUCTED 2026 — THE CRABCAKE INCIDENT
Told Jack Smith "you make me want to throw up in my mouth" during the September 29, 2026 hearing. To be fair, he'd just eaten one of those famous Iowa crabcakes — tastes like regret and the Mississippi River. We'd want to throw up too. Inducted for the most honest Yelp review of a Senate hearing ever recorded.
🧚 The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny
INDUCTED 2026 — IN ABSENTIA (COWARDS)
Both name-dropped during the hearing as part of the questioning. Neither showed up to testify. Cowards. For the record, both the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy have an excellent grasp of geography — they find every house in America, every year, without a single Senate hearing. Take notes, Senator.
🖨️ Whoever Printed the Poster
INDUCTED 2026 — CANNOT READ, WILL NEVER FIND US
Some poor staffer printed a giant poster of text messages for the hearing. It said "Hawks." The game was Hawkeyes. That intern is 26, underpaid, and now famous for the wrong reason. We'd hire them, but they clearly can't read — and they'll never figure out what city we're in.