The Atlanta Hawkeyes

HOW A FRANCHISE IS BORN

On September 29, 2026, during a Senate hearing, Senator Eric Schmitt tried to corner former special counsel Jack Smith over supposedly attending an Atlanta Hawks game in Atlanta. There was just one problem: Smith had actually attended the Iowa Hawkeyes women's basketball game — in College Park, Maryland. Wrong birds. Wrong city.

The moment went viral. AP, The Washington Post, and Forbes all covered the Hawks/Hawkeyes mix-up. And somewhere in the confusion, a franchise was born: a team from Atlanta that plays in College Park, roots for the Hawks, flies with the Hawkeyes, and has been undefeated since yesterday.

Atlanta • Iowa • Maryland • It's complicated.

THE MOMENT THAT STARTED IT ALL

SEPTEMBER 29, 2026

During a Senate hearing, Senator Eric Schmitt pressed former special counsel Jack Smith over a supposed Atlanta Hawks game in Atlanta. The only problem: it was the Iowa Hawkeyes women's basketball team — in College Park, Maryland. The clip went everywhere, and a franchise was born out of the confusion.

Atlanta Hawkeyes. Because geography is hard for some senators.

THE SQUAD

Legends, lowlights, and the brave souls who wore the jersey before we figured out which city it was.

🏆 HALL OF FAME

"Downtown" Doug McAllister

Averaged 47 points per game. In practice. Against chairs. Still counts.

Penny "The Postcard" Pritchard

Once mailed himself to an away game. Arrived in 3-5 business days. Started anyway.

Big Walt Kowalski

7'2", 340 lbs of pure "which state are we in again?" Held the franchise record for most states claimed (2).

🗑️ HALL OF SHAME

Senator Eric Schmitt (R-MO)

Confused the Atlanta Hawks with the Iowa Hawkeyes during a Senate hearing on September 29, 2026. Gave us our entire business model in one sentence. We send him one of our HANG IT UP ornaments every year. He probably thinks we're a real team.

The U.S. Senate Committee on Geography

Not a real committee. But after that hearing, it should be. We'd like to testify. We know where Atlanta is. (It's in Georgia. We checked.)

Every Politician Who Said "Sports"

Inducted for the collective achievement of using sports metaphors while demonstrating zero knowledge of actual sports. Special recognition for anyone who's said "hit a home run" about basketball.

The Dismantling of the Education System

Inducted for making the geography confusion not just possible, but inevitable. When you gut public education, don't be surprised when a U.S. Senator can't tell Atlanta from Iowa City. This one's on all of you.

🔢 RETIRED NUMBERS

#00 — "The Senator"

Retired in honor of the man who put us on the map by putting us on the wrong map.

#26 — "The Commute"

Retired for the 650-mile drive between our two "home" cities. Nobody wanted to make that trip twice.

#29 — "The Hearing"

Retired to commemorate September 29, 2026 — the day we became famous for not existing.

📅 UPCOMING "GAMES"

TBD — SOMETIME, PROBABLY

Atlanta Maryland Hawkeyes vs. The Concept of Geography

TBD — WHENEVER WE FIGURE IT OUT

Atlanta Maryland Hawkeyes vs. Atlanta Hawks (awkward)

TBD — PENDING SENATE APPROVAL

Atlanta Maryland Hawkeyes vs. Iowa Hawkeyes (even more awkward)

TBD — CHECK BACK NEVER

Atlanta Maryland Hawkeyes vs. A Real Basketball Team